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Your life seems to be going fine. You seem to be managing the house and the children. So what do you need a support group for? Besides, where will you ever find the time to go to that? The idea of a support group seems to be first of all for people who are in deep crisis and can’t handle their own lives. Television has tarnished the good name of support groups. The ones we have seen on television have been “ a bunch of weird people” sitting around telling depressing stories and then “freaking out” at each other, with a facilitator attempting to keep some order. Well, perhaps that is not exactly what you need. There are other kinds of support groups- ones based on mutual support and with a purpose or purposes other than sharing bad memories.
Support is defined as a) to give aid or encourage to.; b) to give strength to ; c) to provide the necessities of life for. The aims of a support group should be focused on the first two. No matter how well things seem to be going, they could always be better. And even if not better, at least easier.
Human beings are by nature gregarious. We were never meant to be isolated from each other. In most societies people have developed habits of being alone because that seemed like the easiest way to cope with the hurt and distress around them. But the truth is that we all need some others. And it is in these others that we find the courage and strength to deal with the pressures of our daily lives. None of us, on our own, has all the necessary strength. Parents, above everyone else, need the encouragement and support of more than a few others.
A support group for parents should provide:
A space for each to celebrate parenthood. There is not enough opportunity in any parent’s busy life to notice the many (although sometimes small ) joys of being a parent. And particularly to remember what a good job he or she is really doing. Many times when parents want to gush on about the cute little things their children are doing, others (mainly non-parents) get that glazed eyed look and lose their attention.
A good, non-judgemental, non-critical ear to talk about the struggles of being a parent; to be able to let go of some of the feelings of frustration and irritation and even despair that is common when handling a feat of such magnitude as being responsible for another human life.
Minds with similar interests to share experiences, thoughts, opinions, ideas and what they have learned.
Courage and strength through allowing each person the space to clear the mental and emotional blocks that interfere with good parenting, through contradicting the hopelessness and helplessness that we tend to feel when the societal oppression of parents comes down too hard on us. A chance to relax, take care of oneself and have fun.
A support group should not be a place to blame self or each other when the children don’t seem to be living up to our expectations. It should not be a place to give advice. Each parent and child’s situation is different and unique. Parents will figure out what is best for their children once they have the support of others. Sharing suggestions and experiences is not the same as telling someone what he should do in a similar situation.
A support group will go well if the following guidelines are followed:
1. Select a leader of the group; one will make sure things go well, that the guidelines are followed.
2. Start with each person taking a few minutes to share a positive thought or experience/something he feels good about.
3. Do not allow any interruptions, criticism or invalidations of anyone. This is a time for everyone to feel safe enough to say what they need to say.
4. Allow equal time for each person to be listened to by everyone else as they share their experiences or think aloud about whatever is necessary for them.
5. There must be respect for everyone’s thinking.
6. End with appreciations and support for everyone.
Each person’s time to be listened to can be used to:
a. Define problems and think through solutions.
b. Set goals and report on progress of goals.
c. Give response or feedback to a piece of shared literature (a recent article, a new piece of research, an event in the community, etc.)
d. Taking pride in oneself and celebrating accomplishments.
Sharing time like this with a group helps to build trust and connectedness over time. Knowing that there are others one can turn to without fear of recriminations gives the courage and strength to take on challenges. One of the most positive outcomes of such a parent support is that the parents now have a safe place to put their frustrations and deal with them more effectively than taking them out on the children.
“No man is an island”
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